What makes a guy a man?

Is there a certain point at which a boy is considered a man? All throughout elementary school they are called boys because they are children, and that remains until about high school. They get into college and then we call them "guys" because we don't want to call them boys, but we think they aren't quite to that man stage yet. So my question becomes, at which point do we actually consider them men? Is there some certain point or something that they do which finally qualifies them to be men? Is it when they actually have a career not just a part time job? Is it when they have a degree? Is it when they get married? Is it when they finally know how to treat a woman right? Is it when they finally realize what it means to be a grown up? Is it different for every guy? Who is to really say when a boy has become a man? Is he able to judge himself or is it something that he would be biased about?

With all of that in mind, it always seems that the girls (which is another topic considering that we are always called girls, and don't ever mind being called so even when we are women.) want the men, not the boys. They differentiate between the two flawlessly, but really how do they tell the difference in real life with real guys. I know there are some really easily differentiating qualities like puberty and maturity and whatever, but in some ways I find it hard for a girl to really ever know. And isn't it true that we all want our guys to have some type of boy left in them so that they know how to properly have fun and keep that exciting spirit about them in order to live life to the fullest and not get bored and consumed with adult life?

So where is it that we draw the line? What is it to choose between a boy and a man? What makes a guy either one? Knowing that if you are above a certain line of maturity, and therefore prepared for a man, but fall for a boy what do you do? Will he grow into the man that you need and want? Is it okay to be with him anyway? Is he really more of a man than other men might even be? Where is the line?

5.17.09

ever have those days that you just feel like you’ve lost all direction and you really have no idea where you’re going or what you’re doing? While there might be hope, it just seems like the world isn’t moving and nothing is getting accomplished and then there is just no….positivity (for lack of better word). I have such elaborate dreams, but sometimes I feel like they’re never actually going to get accomplished. Maybe they won’t get accomplished because of how over the top they are, or maybe it’s because my motivation is below sea level. I don’t know. Its funny because I guess most blogs that I see are based on a different topic each time and the writer’s opinion of the said topic and mine is more just the thoughts that are running through my head. It is kind of weird that people might actually read them. I should, on that point, probably revert to my old way of writing blogs, less in the form of a diary entry, and more toward the style of an address. so let’s take two

Welcome back to the journey that is my life. This time around I find myself sitting here and contemplating what exactly it is that I am doing. I am home, for the next four months, away from the place that I called home for over year, away from the people who have kept me company, and away from the girls who I have watched grow for the past school year. I find that I don’t know how to live at home and still be an adult. I don’t know how to manage the person that I have become being away from home while living amidst my past life that confronts my every move while here in a place I once called home. I feel almost like I am back in high school, which is not necessarily the best of feelings considering I have come such a long way since then. I love living in vegas. I love the thought of being here and having my grandparents within reach at all times, but I do not, however, seem to like living at home. I feel like I’m almost in a glorified hotel in that my grandma cleans up after me constantly, makes me food on a single wish of something and whatever i could possibly ask. This sounds all nice and lovely, but the problem becomes that I have tried so hard in the past two years at school to get over not having that. I had to grow up, because I never did in high school because everything was handed to me, I am spoiled and in a lot of ways don’t know how to function on my own, so moving out was a big part of that. And i like who I am not in this house. Being back home almost makes me revert to my old ways, which is not where I want to be. I want to be me. I do not want to be the old version of me, but being here impresses all of that on me and brings up all of those old memories. I find that I can hold on to who i’ve become and what i’ve learned through music and picturing all that I’ve done and learned over the time i’ve been away from home. Though it was almost two years that I was at school, coming back makes it seem like i’ve never left vegas, except now no one is here except me. I miss my volunteer staff friends and my school friends. I miss having my home. My place. Where it is not their stuff but mine. Yea sure i enjoy the luxury of having tivo and actual TV and fast internet and a piano and a garage, but its not the same as being on my own. Here I am not necessarily treated like the adult i’ve come to be. Yes i still have a lot of growing up and maturing to do, and yes they’ve gotten a lot better at letting me be independent, but still i almost feel oppressed. That’s a harsh word, but i just have no idea.

Loud music is my therapy. I am going to go drive. and listen to my music as loud as my speakers can handle, well without sounding like crap. This was all a bit off the topic that I had originally planned to share with you, but nonetheless here we are. So now you know my feelings of being at home, maybe another day i will share with you a chip off of the iceberg that is my dreams. Until we meet again…

5.14.09

I’m up late and its hot in my room. I’m tired and I should be sleeping. I’ve done nothing all day but watch bones and hang out with old ladies and paint ceramics. While those things may be fun, I didn’t leave the house. Talking to some of my friends over the past few months have made me realize how much i truly want to leave the country. They all studied abroad this semester, south africa, europe, australia, ireland…the world. I’m jealous. I held down the fort in the middle of an old worn down city in southern california. And now i sit indoors at the beginning of a summer that will consist of more school and hopefully a job. I know its really up to me to decide to take initiative and go places, but I dunno, I almost feel pressured by family to stay here and just do school, traveling is for later days. But is it? Isn’t this the time when I am supposed to be crazy and travel and do things? Maybe its just the media that has me brainwashed to believe that the college years are the years where people go AWOL and just leave the country for a month or so and go homeless through europe or something. My grandma would never have that. I would have to call on a daily basis. I wouldn’t be able to survive that. I feel like i secretly live on a leash, but its just invisible. I know that my grandparents pay for everything, so its not like I’m complaining. But I guess that that just means I don’t have the freedom to go and do as i like because i dont have the finances to support myself to do anything other than what they believe is best for me. I mean, lets face it, my starbucks job doesnt really pay for much other than a phone bill, a gym membership, and my gas; let alone if i don’t get the job this summer. I feel like most of the time when i end up blogging it comes to relationships, that probably results in the fact that a) i dont have one b) its when im most emotional and have the most inspiration to write c) i have no other way of even beginning to emote. I’ve always heard that guys are more attracted to women with high self-esteem. Not something in which i rate very highly. If i did would it be easier to find me a guy? We could go into a very deep rabbit whole at this point. I have lots of things to say on this topic, but being that it is late i am not sure I am committed enough to divulge such a huge topic. I’m going out to lunch with a friend tomorrow. He’s picking me up, he’s paying, it’s a surprise. It might as well be a date right? I suppose that when it comes down to it, I’m generally afraid of dates. What if i end up not liking them when they like me and i have to confront it? what if i do something wrong? what if they think its a date and i dont? I don’t know what i really want it to look like, but in the end i suppose i don’t really know anything….or at least in that general direction of thought. And now i’m just rambling. i need to sleep. i had a good conversation with someone tonight. sad they’re leaving soon. maybe when they return….chances are slim…I mean….its me….and positivity is in my top five strengths…irony i think.

4-7-09

Do you ever have those moments where all of a sudden a huge wave of emotion(s) hit you and you just don’t know what to do with yourself? That just happened. I was looking at a friend’s pictures and reading about what’s been going on his life, and upon reading something, my heart sank. Not for any particular reason, okay, that might be a bit of a lie, but not because I was jealous that she had him, but just because of what it said. And I hurt. Then I thought about the conversation that I was having earlier with another friend about marriage and kids, and every time I think about that I realize more and more about how much that really is what I want to do. I’m so scared that it won’t happen, but I hope that it will. I keep trying to picture the kind of guy that I want to marry and I have one idea but then it goes against another idea that I have..I just have no idea really. That’s all I have to say at the moment.

4-5-09

So it is day one here in the land of Texas. It is currently 11 something, and I am super tired. But today I talked with my grandpa terry about a whole bunch of things that were way cool. Now the man is like 63 years old and pretty much crazy, but I didn’t know how much stuff he’d actually done in his life, or anything about him either. He served in the navy during the vietnam war and actually went overseas. He’s been to about a million different countries, and knows a lot about them. he’s lived in like over 10 states and it super super smart, which is almost hard to believe considering how ridiculous insane he comes off on a regular basis. I guess that compared to all the crazy things, like divorce of his parents when he was five, moving constantly, and being in the Vietnam war, his craziness almost makes more sense. He is super hilarious, but it all kind of makes sense a little more now understanding where he came from. He is really pretty much super cool.

On an unrelated topic, well slightly related, I had a slightly Biblical discussion with my grandma and mom today as well. We pulled out the family bible, which is also secretly like an encyclopedia, its about 80 years old and will someday be mine, which is freaking cool. We also pulled out the Bibles of both of my great-grandma’s who studied together when they were younger. They took notes all over their Bibles, and I get to keep one of them, which is awesome. Grama Juie then pulled out her Book of Mormon. That’s right folks, my grandma is mormon. I guess I never really realized that, I mean i know I was blessed in the Reorganized Church of the Latter Day Saints, but who knew? And so she shows me this text in Isaiah that talks about the book and how it will be found by only the one who was chosen and then I looked at the same text in my Bible, and it says something completely different, it mentions a book, but only for a verse where the book of mormon goes on for several verses. And so my wondering is what it says in the hebrew. I will ask karl as soon as he gets back from fresno. I want to know where joseph smith came up with all that stuff. I emailed Hauge about it. I also asked him about the idea that Mary was a Gentile and since Joseph wasn’t technically Jesus’ father that then technically Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Grama Juie says that somewhere in the Bible it says that Mary was a gentile, which I’m not quite sure of, so hence my asking of Hauge. So I hope he replies soon despite the fact that it is break, I think he will he is pretty prompt on those things.

So on that note, tomorrow I have to wake up early to go to church…mormon church. I know that my two best friends in high school were mormons and it can’t be too ridiculous, but who knows. It will be an experience to say the least. I wish i could tell Lance about it, he would laugh and tell me something ridiculous. And then I’d make a joke about how I am a mormon by association and how it just comes naturally because my mom’s side of the family is and how it is just in my blood to get along with them and secretly be a part of it haha. Oh Lance how I miss thee. Maybe I’ll text Danika. Good plan. Well, that’s really all I have to say, I might write tomorrow after church, just to describe the experience. =] good day to you all.